Kunda Yashwant Oke
1st November 2022
In most cases, bonds with biological parents are deep rooted because of proximity, love, and constant interactions. The quality of bonds thus created depends on a myriad of factors.
My parents, Yashwant and Kunda, have three offspring. Alkatai, Harshad and me. As I perceive things, the three of us had varying affinities towards each of our parents. But by and large, despite the heated arguments, misunderstandings, and slights, we stayed together as a family. Contempt or disregard had no place. We accorded the customary ‘respect’ to our parents and in turn they showered us with affection as per the prevailing norm. Display of sentiment was private and sporadic, and it never crossed our minds to demand appreciation.
Among the two, our mother was more understanding and forgiving. I can say this without a doubt. Our father wasn’t too demanding or unusually harsh, but he kept his distance while we grew up. I began understanding him only after he embraced entrepreneurship, and we started seeing more of him. But our mother was always there. Again, not too demonstrative, or vocal, but she resolutely supported us. Instances like her visit to our school to admonish our history teacher for her wrong pronunciation or her vociferous disagreement with Mrs. Joshi (Mrs. Dr. Joshi), Padma Bedekar, and Gotya’s uncle in separate incidents are etched in my mind. I am sure Alkatai and Harshad too would be having such memories.
I would like to believe that my mother was a perfect foil to my father’s mercurial personality. I have now come to realise that this is hogwash. My mother never got the opportunity to really blossom out. Many reasons could be cited but the fact remains that she remained devoted to my father and preferred to play second fiddle rather than exacerbate situations. Aai had to endure the tenuous relationship between my Baba and her mother. Looking back, I feel guilty not to have supported Aai in this matter. Also, Aai was unable to forge any meaningful relationships in our society and her best friends were the wive’s of Baba’s friends! In our society she was on excellent terms with Mrs. Vaidya and Mrs. Kulkarni (our erstwhile neighbours). But they were considerably older than her. I cannot fathom why she was unable to have company closer to her age. Our society was very vibrant, and the opportunities were many. If only Baba was more considerate and had nudged Aai. Baba had BARC and his card sessions while Aai languished at home.
After my father’s demise in May 2004 Aai got lonely. Blocked arteries, possible stroke, diabetes… are just reasons for our consumption. To be fair, Baba was a decent man who lived by his own code of ethics. He wasn’t cruel. Baba’s blunt and at times uncaring nature came in the way. Much could have been achieved with patience and simply listening to each other.
Baba was just 67 when he passed away. His death could be attributed to his heart condition, smoking and obesity. These could have hastened his exit. However, death isn’t democratic. We see many overweight people smoking and drinking away to glory!
Perhaps I would never be able to come to terms with losing both my parents early. Such questions have no satisfactory answers. I have been consciously trying to deal with my feelings and emotions for the past few months. I am trying to decipher incidents and events and my role (if any), with an open mind. This has helped.
My parents did their best. This is the truth. We must be aware of our failings and try to improve interpersonal relationships while people are still around. A good generational change is that we as parents are more vocal and demonstrative of our feelings. At least I like to think so.
Having turned fifty recently made me realise how ephemeral life can be.
Despite the ups and downs, we Okes have done well.
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