Melancholy

I find myself feeling melancholy for the past couple of days. It is the consequence of the threat of corona which we are enduring for the past 3 months. The lock down, when announced in March, seemed like a stop gap arrangement and everyone felt that we would be back at work within a few weeks. If one had thought rationally, one would have realised the fallacy in this optimistic outlook. Governments across the world had imposed strict lock downs, many before ours did. This was not without any reason. Seen from the Indian perspective, the lock down achieved only one thing – numbing people's fear of the dreaded disease. The shut down was purportedly meant to enforce social distancing and for building capacities. The objective of social distancing was achieved, well sort of, but capacity addition in the healthcare field seems way off the mark. People struggle to get admitted to hospitals. People are largely unaware of any helplines or quarantine centres, what medication can one take. The list goes on. The government did several flip flops in making and rescinding rules. 

We also heard news of suicides (one can find at least one such tragic story in the daily newspapers), exams getting postponed, job losses, factories and businesses shut down, salaries slashed and also the psychological impact of this pandemic on the populace. All this burdens the mind a lot. I feel I need to escape from this. But there is nowhere to go. I was tolerably alright till a few days ago and had sort of a benign attitude as I felt we were better placed than most. But I am now getting ambivalent (mixed feelings) about the whole business. This is probably manifesting in my mind as now I have started feeling the heat. Our business will probably never regain its old glory. Anyway, it had shown signs of decline in 2019-20. COVID-19 was the nail in the coffin. How should I tackle this? How do I ensure that I do not lose my sleep over something I have little or no influence? How do I convince myself that it is up to me to ensure and I stay happy and content? How do I motivate myself to act accordingly? How do I identify my next revenue stream? 

Is the stock market really for me? I find my hands tied behind my back because of lack of understanding and lack of capital. One would be saved ruin if one had lack of capital. But lack of knowledge is unpardonable. I have to decide one way or the other. I think I would never recover if a stage comes when we may have to rent our office space to earn a living. I simply dread this thought. I will have to retain my sanity for a few more months and trudge forward keeping a rigid control over my emotions and fears. There is no way I can earn a decent income from the stock market in such a short span of time. The fear of losing money holds me back.

Is there anything at all I can try my hand at? Can I do some kind of trading? Retail? Any kind of intellectual work like writing or teaching is ruled out.

I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. There have been bad periods earlier but this takes the cake. The wait will be substantial longer and bloody than what it was earlier. We will also have to contend ourselves with a reduced income and temper our expenses going forward. Our dreams of going on foreign vacations or refurbishing our home are probably gone to dust. This thought makes me sad as my better half has very simple expectations from life. A short trip from time to time and basic home decor. This doesn't cost much money but sadly these simple pleasures may be denied going forward considering the long list of expenses ahead of us.

During making our financial plans I always used to have this proviso, 'provided business remains what it is.' Sadly it hasn't.